I love to do all that stuff. Some more than others. I happy to have any sort of involvement in music, and no matter which if these things i'm doing, I can think of nothing I'd rather be doing...except one thing, and that should be the most obvious.
Despite all the different things I do in music, nothing is more important to me than playing the horn. Nothing at all. My love for playing horn will never, ever die away even the slightest bit, no matter how challenging it can be sometimes.
That's an interesting thing to note, since my horn playing career has definitely had some roller coaster moments. Remember that I didn't start off as a horn player. I began horn at age 16 after playing woodwinds for about 6 years. I made the switch not only because the horn seemed to be this glorious, God-like and empowering instrument, but also because my lack of finger technique made me a not-so-ideal candidate in the woodwind performance world. By this time, I knew that I really wanted to be an orchestral player for a living, inspired by the fabulous music of movie soundtracks (I remember that day well, while listening to the "Return of the JedI" soundtrack, and deciding that I wanted to be one of the people int he orchestra). But anyway, horn entered my life that year, and I never looked back.
I picked up horn quick, but didn't take lessons, so I had a lot to learn. After my first year of playing, I began turning heads, winning 3rd place in the Washington State Solo & Ensemble Contest in 2004. I was excited to enter college to learn how to play this thing really well and earn a living with it.
Of course, when I got to college at Central Washington University, there was a whole lot to learn. Some bad habits were broken and new ones formed, and I learned a ton from the walking encyclopedia also know as Jeff Snedeker. I was so excited about playing horn that it definitely showed, particularly to my colleagues in the studio (to the point of annoyance, I guess). Playing horn was all I wanted to do while I was there.
It wasn't always a walk in the park, though. My excited and sometimes arrogant attitude (which I'm ashamed of) didn't jive well with a number of the other horn players. I struggled with high range off and on throughout my time there. And my last couple years there I struggled a lot with tension issues in my neck and shoulders, which, as it turned out, was the result of psychological instability. It also caused a great deal of performance anxiety.
Regardless, I still had a number of good performances, which really outweighed the tough times. And despite the troubles, I still played horn as much as I can, and said "yes" to every opportunity. I loved horn way too much to let difficult times get me down. By the time I graduated, I had figured out the tension issues, but I still had a problem holding me back: This strange fear of playing certain things.
It's sort of indescribable, but I'm sure a number of performers can relate to it at some point in their career. It's like a fear of playing, almost, for worry that they're going to sound horrible. For me, certain orchestral excerpts, particularly lyrical ones or longer excerpts, scared me, and I would rarely even practice them. I think this was due to the fact that I did have tension issued, particularly on longer notes, and so I was just afraid. In addition, I still felt under pressure as a principal player at times, even though I had a lot of experience at it. It depended on who was in my section. Again, despite this fear, I still loved playing horn immensely.
This fear carried over into my graduate studies at UW Milwaukee, where I studied with Greg Flint. But, to my great joy, this fear problem would soon be conquered. Working with Greg was incredible and very eye-opening (for those of you know don't know him, he's one of the midwest's greatest free-lancers). He helped me realized that there's a lot of psychology that goes into performing, and that the brain has so much power over how we play every day. Also, he taught about the importance of air usage as opposed to air capacity. This all made me a more efficient player, and I have the comfort and confidence to be able to play anything (with practice if needed), including the high stuff.
Having this newfound performance mindset really helped with the enjoyment of performing. Like I said before, the enjoyment of playing horn has always been there despite the troubles. My passion for playing never falters.
And that's the thing I want to stress. I have always (and always will) greatly enjoyed playing my horn. Of course, the performances are the most fun, but I love to practice, too. And I love every rehearsal, every time. I'm not like some many other musicians that I've played alongside with (particularly college players) who are so eager for rehearsal to end, or say they hate practicing, or they consider it a chore. I wonder why these people are even pursuing music at all. Their response is, "I still like to play concerts" or "because I'm good at it" or something like that. The way I see it is that as musicians we spend so little of our time performing and so much time practicing and rehearsing. How can one enjoy being a musician when they don't like rehearsing and performing, but spend like 95% of their playing time doing nothing but practicing and rehearsing?
Then I hear stories of more experienced musicians who have good performing jobs or lots of freelance work but say the passion of playing is gone, and they do it to have a job. Okay, sure. Understandable. People get tired of doing their jobs all the time. But I still pity these musicians. To me, passions don't die away. That's what make them passions. A serious, undying love. I know other people's opinion of the word "passion" may differ from mine, but I still believe that a true passion never dies.
And of course, there's the whole controversy of working with others in your section. Despite the obvious team effort that is needed to make an ensemble successful, it is still a battleground for competitive players trying to flex their muscles and brains to outdo their colleagues. Attitudes are different, and situations can be difficult. The only thing I have to say is that my passion for playing me has gotten me through difficult situations, and I'm confident this will always be the remedy.
My passion for playing horn will never die. I enjoy playing way too much, no matter what kind of music is on my stand. I've played some pretty boring horn parts before, but still had been happy to have the horn on my face. To me, this is what being a musician is all about. We should be doing this because we enjoy doing it. We don't know this to make a lot of money or to have an easy life. No matter where you see me, it will always be evident that I really enjoy doing what I do all of the time.