When I first developed a passionate interest in music, I was in 9th grade. I had been playing tenor sax in band since 5th grade. I was your typical, "I play in band for fun, but that's about it" sort of kid. I didn't really practice unless I really needed to, but I didn't really care about how I didn't, nor did I see a future in music. But, one day, I was sitting in my room listening to the soundtrack to Return of the Jedi, which I had always really loved. I suddenly developed this strong desire to play the music that they were playing, and to play at such a high level. I decided that I wanted to be the best of the best: A studio symphony orchestra musician. My desire to do that was very strong. I picked up clarinet and bass clarinet so I could play in an orchestra, but was never really satisfied until I started playing horn.
So that's it. I really wanted to be an LA or London studio musician. I wanted that so badly, through the rest of high school and through a good chunk of my undergrad at CWU. However, I knew hardly anything of hard work, and just didn't practice enough every day really refine my skills, and particularly my technique. Don't get me wrong; while at CWU I practice quite a lot, and improved and developed quite a lot to quickly become one of the leaders of the horn studio. But, I still didn't practice enough. By my 3rd year at CWU I realized that I wasn't as good as I wanted to be, but was still passionate to have a full-time playing job, so I expanded my horizons to just play in any big orchestra. But still, I didn't know much about hard work; I was lazy. I had always been lazy to a degree. and during my last couple years at CWU, I didn't practice much. That was a pretty stupid decision. To make matters more challenging, I was a married man, and had a life outside of music. So my time was more limited.
After failing to get an assistantship for grad school after being done at CWU, I was forced to do free-lance work in the Yakima & Tri-Cities areas in eastern Washington. Playing opportunities are sparse there, and I didn't know anything about marketing myself and creating opportunities. I spend a lot of time at home as a result, again just being lazy, since I still didn't know how to work hard. I did get some good practicing in during that time, but just not enough to be a worthy, full-time performer. I just sat at home wishing I could be a full-time player, yet not doing much about it. I was almost...afraid, I guess, to do anything about it.
When I got the assistantship at UW-Milwaukee, I felt rejuvenated, and I was motivated to work hard. I has also expanded my dreams further to include a college teaching job--man, that would be fun. But there was a major obstacle when I started studying at UWM--we had a baby. My family had grown (and would continue to grow), and my responsibility to them would increase...which meant my responsibility to my horn decreased. I was 26 when my first son was born, which is a perfect age in anyone's life to have children...but, I had really gotten nowhere with my career. And I just sort of did what I need to do, in terms of practice and study, to pass through graduate school with good grades and get my degree. And I did improve as a player, but just not as much as I should have. After I graduated I took many big auditions, including my 2nd and 3rd times auditioning for the Seattle Symphony, but horribly failed. All because I didn't know how to work hard when I was younger, and as I got older and had a family, I blamed the fact that I had a family and no time to work towards my dreams...which it turns out wasn't really the reason at all.
So now, as my life goes now, I do have time to recover myself and try to work hard again, which I've been trying to do. But it's hard to find motivation. Before I had children, and even in the first couple years of it, I was very motivated to be a full-time performer, but I either was too lazy or just didn't have the time. Now, I spend so much of my free time preparing for my current job: free-lancing, which includes a fair amount of teaching. I spend time preparing music for my students, and practicing other brass instruments to be a good model. But I get little time to sit down and play horn for my own purposes...or to sit down and listen to music for enjoyment, as I used to. Music has become work for me, which I really enjoy doing, don't get me wrong. But my true passion is the orchestra, which I just don't get much of a taste of with my life. I know that if I were a full-time orchestra player, I would be in heaven, because despite what I've heard that orchestra jobs are difficult with the hours & the people you deal with and everything, I still really just love playing orchestra music. And hearing it. And in the end, that's all I'd really be doing. And that's all I really wanted to do.
But so do a lot of other folks, maybe not as passionately as I wanted to. But, I would've needed to work a lot harder in my younger years to get anywhere near it. I see videos of the studio orchestras doing their work, and I just get jealous. When I go see the Seattle Symphony, I get jealous. I can't help thinking, "Man, I could've done that if I had worked a lot harder and not given up". I hate that feeling.
So what do I do about this? Well, there's not much I can do about playing an orchestra more. I am a full-time dad now, and that eliminates my ability to travel to Seattle to play more. I do love my job now, and I've been creating awesome opportunities here on Whidbey Island to spread my love of brass playing. But what of my love for the orchestra? The only thing I can do is listen to music more, and practice orchestral music. That's all I'm limited to. Who knows what may happen? I know the value and requirements of hard work now, so maybe I can work so hard in the next few years that when Mark Robbins retires from the Seattle Symphony, I can audition for and win that job!....Ha, yeah right. But who knows?
So what can you learn from all this? The same thing that I wish I could travel back to 2004 and tell myself to do: If you have a dream, you will never make it come true if you don't work your hardest towards it." It is my biggest regret. I almost failed in a music career because of it.
But somehow, I made it. I'm lucky. And, I'm going to do this job the best I can.
Take care and value music...and work hard.