A wrong mindset back then, perhaps. But, it's your classic competitive mindset. Thankfully, as a horn player, I grew out of that, mainly after I realize that my life doesn't really allow me the time to work hard to be the best. In fact, I feel like my playing has been declining a bit, which is really disappointing. I've been struggling even more than normal to find the time to practice lately, mainly attributed to the student load I have and a busier family life.
But anyways, in acceptance of the fact that my life in the competitive horn world is basically over (or put on hold, I hope), I have been striving to be the best teacher. I mean, I have wanted to do everything I can for my students. I want to be resourceful for them and teach them lots of things. I want to help them with the psychology of being a performer and a brass player. I want to provide them with awesome opportunities, and arrange music for them that fits their needs and desires.
But even then, as a teacher I can't do everything for them like I want. I can't be the only one to help them, especially to my students who play trumpet, trombone and tuba. I am a horn player. I went through training as a horn player, I have experience as a horn player, I was taught the ways of horn players. That's not true for the other instruments I play. I play those instruments because I love to do it and I want to be able to help my students the best I can. But I am not an elite player on them, and I never will be. There are pros on those instruments out there that can play them better than I could ever imagine.
And that's even the way with horn. Sure, I'm very well trained by a couple of elite horn teachers, so yeah, I know a lot of stuff. But I don't know everything, and I'm not among the elite horn players myself.
And don't even get me started on conducting. I KNOW I'm nowhere near the best on that. But I know I do a pretty good job...
And compositing/arranging...well, that's a hard one to be "the best" on. The bottom line is that I arrange and compose music for my groups or for the Saratoga Orchestra, and people seem to like it. So, there.
As you can tell, I do a lot of stuff, not to mention I have a family and a home to take care of. I am a true "jack of all trades": one that does a lot of stuff pretty well but it no true elite in anything. And I really like being able to do all this stuff. Does it suck to not be the best at something? Well, sure. I've wanted to be the best my whole life. But the more I think about it, the more I say to myself, "man, it is so unfair to put that kind of pressure on yourself and expect to be the best." You know how many horn players are "the best"? None of them. The greatest horn players in the world are all just that: The greatest. Together, they are the greatest. They each have their individual strengths, and that makes them even greater. They greatest teachers in the world still can't do everything for students. That's just not how education works. A great teacher does everything they can for the students, and then send them on their way to greatness.
And...yeah. That's what I have to remember. I have to remember as a teacher that I can't completely and fully educate any of my students. They have a lot to learn on their own. Or from other teachers. Because there's no such thing as "the best" in the education world, nor is there a single teacher that can teach their students everything.
Don't worry, this isn't me demeaning myself. If you are one of my students reading this, don't worry, I'm not resigning. Nor am I saying you shouldn't be studying with me. There is a lot I have to offer my students, even if I don't have every answer. I can still help my students with the mental aspect of brass playing and performing. I can still play the horn pretty well. I still know a lot about horn and the repertoire, and I have learned and am continuing to learn more about the other brass instruments and their repertoire (and believe me, I have learned a lot). I can still give my brass ensembles fun and challenging music to play. I can still bring a positive approach and attitude to brass playing. I can still provide a fun experience for my students. I can still bond with them and get to know them, and be a constant support in their lives as they grow from age 10 to 18 and beyond. I can still provide them with amazing opportunities, and help lead them to other amazing opportunities, like honor bands and contests. I can still show them how great music is and display my love for what I do.
I can still do everything I can for them...because it's all about them.
I'm very lucky, though. Throughout my life, I have had so much great support and great compliments from people. Despite how I have felt about myself, a lot of people have told me in my life that I'm a great horn player, or that I did a great job at a performance. That's very nice of them. When I premiere an original composition, the people who play it and those that hear it seem to really like it and say a lot of nice things about it. And my students...man, they have been the most supportive and generous people to me outside of my family. Heck, my students are like family, too. They have been so good to me, so receptive to what I do. The parents and the students have given me so many great compliments along the lines of, "you have done so much for my child...you have been such a great influence...you have meant so much...we love you." I have gotten comments and messages and cards from students and families that say those things. I've gotten some very nice Christmas and birthday gifts from them. I've even had students use me as a topic for school assignments!
They are so good to me, and I really just have to remember to stay humble, and even modest, and to not let all this amazing praise get to my head. I have to remember that I may be a great teacher for them (based on their testimony, mind) but I'm not everything that they need. Thy'll go out and learn stuff on their own or from other teachers, too. But, I provide them with an amazing experience in so many ways, so they will keeping coming back for more...as long as I stay true to myself and be real.
So...why am I writing all this today? Well, it's mainly for me, because I just need to reassure myself of all of this. But I felt like this would be an interesting read for you, particularly those of you who are like me and think very competitively. I have to thank my mom talking about some of this with me and helping realize a lot of this stuff, as well as several of my high school students. I get my competitive nature from my mom, so...it's her fault...
...thanks, mom. Being competitive has sure been a lot of fun.
JUST LIKE IT WILL BE FOR SOLO & ENSEMBLE THIS YEAR!!!!!
...but! That is a topic for another day. Don't worry, I promise to talk about how amazing Solo & Ensemble will be this year. Let's just say I've got a record number of entries this year from my studio.
Take care and value music...and be the best you can be.