Well, first, I must start off by talk about auditions. In my last blog post on Sept. 9th, I told you I was preparing for 2 upcoming auditions. But I have a confession to make: I wasn't really preparing that much. My practice routine hadn't really changed much from what it normally has been, which averages out to 1 to 1.5 hours a day. And that's horrible...really, horrible, especially after I have been saying in this blog for years that I plan to practice more.
Anyways, I had my Yakima Symphony audition about a week and a half ago. And it was horrible. It was horrible because my fundaments were lousy. I got nervous because I knew I was underprepared, that I hadn't been practicing as much as I should have been. So I had trouble getting notes to speak and be accurate, to embarrassing proportions. But, I played the excerpts musically well. So I know that I showed them that I am a well-trained auditioner...but not a well-refined one. Because I played the music well, they actually had me play all of my excerpts, unlike some of the other candidates I heard, which only got to play about half of them. After each excerpt I played, I expected them to say, "okay, thank you", but they didn't until the very end. It gave me hope, but I knew I made so many fundamental playing mistakes, so it wasn't a surprise that I didn't make it through. My wife told me not to get mad if I didn't make it. But I did.
And I didn't get mad because of the fact I lost the audition. I got mad because I felt like I failed myself. I thought a lot about it on my long drive home from Yakima. I failed on working hard to advancing myself to be among the elite horn players...to win auditions, and play fundamentally sound. I had failed on my dream of being a full-time player. Well, the Yakima Symphony isn't a full-time gig, but if I couldn't even get past the first round in it, what chance to I have of winning something full-time?
And I thought about it some more, and I arrived at a sad truth that I had been avoiding for years: I am at no position in my life right now to be able to audition. Being a father, homeowner and full-time teacher gives me no chance to be in the audition circuit. I mean, I'm going against guys and gals who have no kids or even a significant other, who can practice 4+ hours a day easily. I don't stand a chance with my current life. And it made me sad that weekend (and even still kind of does now) because I wanted so bad to be a full-time player, and I believed after getting married and having kids that I could still make it work. But I was wrong. I'm simply just not capable. At least, not now. At least, not until my kids are all teenagers and more independent, but by then, will I be too old to be considered for something like that? Would I even be "in my prime"? The folks all winning auditions now are in their 20s and 30s.
So yeah, you can imagine that it had me thinking a lot that weekend. I certainly learned a lot about myself, which I wish I had learned earlier.
But I didn't stay upset for too long. I came to accept it with some other truths, the first being that I'm happy I have a family to come home to every night. And I'm happy that I didn't give up on music completely, instead still making it a profession and something I enjoy. And I can still pursue getting a doctorate and being a university professor, which would also make me quite content. I just have to grow up more and not get so down thinking about the chances of me playing full-time. It's hard, because playing horn is my most favorite thing to do in the world. So, happy vibes.
Phew...well, in other news, another bummer: I had to put the Whidbey Island Horn Club on hold because people aren't showing up for rehearsals anymore, and because I've been ill-prepared with it. That's the bummer part about it being a community ensemble: it's on the bottom of the priority list for everyone. But our members either live too far away, or have gone off to college, or are simply too busy. And I just want the horn club to be able to perform more and be more active in the community, which I need help with. So I want to reboot it when we have more interest again and people can take on some roles of planning rehearsals and concerts. And so I can plan more, too.
I had my rehearsal with the Anacortes High School Wind Ensemble yesterday, in preparation for my performance as the soloist on the 1st Strauss Horn Concerto with them next week. It was fun! This is a great group of young musicians. I was happy with how I played, too, which I really needed after the rough audition weekend. The performance will be a lot of fun, which I hope to record and show you guys.
Oh, and because of my realization about auditions, I'm not taking the Oregon Symphony audition. There's just no point.
Don't be sad for me, folks. I'm not sad now. Everyone has a realization like this at some point. I just need to grow up and take it.
Take care and value music.