It really got me thinking last night...a lot. It got me thinking to a point where it really killed my mood. I mean, she's pretty much my age and she got that job. Not only that, but most of the Seattle Symphony horn section has folks my age (I think the new 2nd hornist is younger). People my age are winning big jobs like that, particularly one that is so close to my home. I could've done that if I had been working hard enough for the last 13 years.
If you look back to early June, you'll see a blog post of mine highlighting my original dream as a musician and how I failed to live up to that dream. What it basically boiled to down to was that I really wanted to be a full-time performer, but I really didn't know how much work I had to be doing in college and afterwards. Then, it became too late, at least for a while, as I got married and started having kids, which pretty much put this dream on hold. Anyways, this whole Seattle Symphony thing got me thinking back to college, to all the days I chose not to practice much or study. To all those days where I just was simply lazy. And then to the times when I wanted to practice but just couldn't, because I was either working, spending time with my wife, or taking care of my kids. Then...to the days when I realized that my dream was impossible to reach...when I realized I hadn't worked hard enough and it was too late to do so. And the failed 2nd Horn audition with Seattle.
I spent basically from 2003 to 2014 thinking that I wanted to be a full-time performer, one of the best, and that it was really possible to do so. I always had that in my mind, and even now, when my dream and goal is a much different one, I still get sort of...sad, I guess you can say...when I hear of the success of other horn players in performing. It's success that I always wanted, but never really knew how to get.
But, y'know, the sadness over this topic is something I can live with, because my dreams and goals have changed. Living back here on Whidbey Island, where I still am doing lots of lots of music related things for my career (and only music-related things), my goal is just to build my studio up big and strong, and set my students up for great careers in music. I have the knowledge on how to steer them clear of the mistakes I made in my career, so that they can go and do things I couldn't. And, I can also set them up to have the success that I did have regardless, where my career isn't so much about perfect performance but about making opportunities and educating. So I can help to make this island one of the brass-playing hotspots of Washington state...hell, the whole country. That's my goal now. To crank out these killer brass players into the world, making people wonder why it is happening that way. To show the world that Whidbey Island has the ability to produce brass players that can play in the Seattle Symphony...which is something I should have proven with my own performing.
So is my dream to be a full-time performer completely dead? No, of course it isn't. When my kids all grow older and don't need our constant attention I will have more time to work hard on perfecting my skills. And I can go out there and start getting competitive again. I mean, I have a lot of really good training. I have what it takes only if I work hard enough.
But one thing's for sure: my original dream is put on hold, and will be put on hold for a very long time. It's one of those things that's I shouldn't be upset about because it's for a good reason: to raise a family. But, I still find myself thinking a lot about it, about the career that keeps slipping away. It's something that was on my mind longer in my life (since I was a teenager) than my ideas of getting married and starting a family, so those thoughts are just sort of...ingrained there.
It's so cool though, because not only do I get to teach my students about how to because a full-time performer, but I have my own children that I can encourage to do the same thing, too, someday. It excites me to educate these kids about the this stuff.
So I am truly an educator. I have the passion for it. That's why my cars have the Music Matters license plates. Just sayin'. That's why my best friends are all band teachers. And it helps to be married to an elementary music teacher...that's where it all begins, right?
Go see the Seattle Symphony and their very promising young horn section. They definitely deserve your support, trust me. I realize how hard they worked to get there.
Take care and value music.